


the customs of the arena

by zagspect



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Gen, except not rly. this is rated t, hot exalted on exalted action, just jokey wink-nudge of a fic you know, sex discussed but nonexplicitly, thesterius of course but not rly the Focus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28816662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zagspect/pseuds/zagspect
Summary: oh, you foul daemon, you know nothing of this place beyond the scarce minutes you show up and fight through it! not the scheduling rules, not the betting rules, and certainly not the unspoken rules.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 24





	the customs of the arena

**Author's Note:**

> look sometimes you need to indulge your inner teen and make a funny little fic poking a little fun at a fic trope ok

"HALT, DAEMON! Not ONE step further!"  
  
When Zagreus enters the arena he expects to hear the familiar tones of Theseus, but he does not expect to hear them from off to the side, way up in the bleachers. The arena, it seems, is occupied, two Exalted shades wrestling each other into the ground, weapons floating at their sides- not forgotten, can't be forgotten, but circling the pair, the way cats size each other up. When he is blocked from crossing into the Temple of Styx, no force in the world but death could make him halt, but when it is simply not his turn to fight for freedom he would hate to intrude. So Zagreus shrugs and starts climbing up into the audience to wait. Asterius waves him over and scoots to make room on the bench as Theseus yells that he dare not approach, so of course he is going to head right over to them and take his good friend Asterius' kind offer.

"Have a seat," Asterius says, at the same time as Theseus hisses "Don't you DARE have a seat."  
  
"I'm getting mixed signals, here."  
  
"Allow me to be CRYSTAL clear, then," growls Theseus. "If you think you deserve to sit on the SAME bench as Asterius and I, then-"

"Oh, I don't sit."

Zagreus is fine standing, honestly, he is, until he is tapped on the back roughly by a shade-hand that passes right into him.

"You had better sit," says the grumpy shade behind him, "Because I can't see a thing."

"Oh! Right. Sorry."

He crouches on the floor in front of Asterius, and exchanges normal greetings. (Here is a guide to some normal greetings: How's the weather? Same as always. Do you think it'll rain later? No and I have never seen rain. Haha no shame in that, _I_ just learned what rain is yesterday. Hypnos bought a body pillow of you from Charon's store, did you know he even sells those? I did not know, and I wish I didn't. That sounds embarrassing. Yes, that makes sense. Sorry for bringing it up.) These greetings take up all of Zagreus' hearing, and so he definitely does not hear a word of _yes on the floor kneeling before us that is your place etc etc_ from Theseus. Crouching is objectively better than sitting, Zagreus thinks but does not say because he did not hear this and anyway is above such pettiness, because you have to balance yourself, and therefore do not get as fidget-bored.

"So, am I just way too early?"

Asterius nods. 

"That, and the fighters before you are going longer than expected. We get an alert when you enter Elysium to give us a few minute's warning, but it's not a perfect system."

"I see."

One of the Exalted Shades has picked up the other's spear, and is slashing at their foe with a sword in one hand and the spear in the other. Asterius points with a grunt.

"We call that the 'Stop Hitting Yourself' maneuver."

"Never seen it before! Wow, I should come here as a spectator more of-"

Zagreus is rudely shoved mid-sentence. 

"-and LO AND BEHOLD, Asterius, he finally takes his place BELOW us-"  
  
"What- are you still going on about this?"

"Stupid question," sneers Theseus. "Of COURSE I am."

"Crouching is objectively better than sitting," Zagreus says, for Theseus has made him petty, "Because you have to balance yourself, and therefore do not get as fidget-bored."

"Whatever," says Theseus, and then, "Oooh! So THAT'S how it's turning out."

The crowd really is getting excited, so Zag pays more attention to what's going on. One of the shades has the other pinned against a wall, and though they have no mouths, it almost looks like-

"Wait, you can just... _do_ that?"

The Exalted Shade doing the pinning is rubbing at their opponent's spear in a very suggestive way, and their opponent seems to be covering them in a mimicry of kisses in return, and the crowd is going wild, except for the old grump who told Zagreus to sit down. Said shade pokes the back of Zag's head again.

"Your wreath. I can't see a thing."

"Sorry," blushes Zag, who did not realize how excited he was getting about all this. He takes a few deep breaths and turns to Asterius so he does not have to look at whatever is making the crowd whistle and cheer again. "Really, they just let you....do this? In the middle of the arena? When you're supposed to be fighting?"

"Don't get any _ideas_ in your filthy head," Theseus snarls.

"Of course not," Zagreus says, trying a little too hard to be the picture of innocence to actually be the picture of innocence. "I believe you should only have sex with people you like."

"ExCUSE me?!", Theseus snaps. Being in agreement with Zagreus is the worst thing in the world, apparently, even when the thing they're agreed on is "I hate you".

"Officially, this is banned," grumbles the shade sitting behind Zagreus.

"Oh."

"But the crowd likes it, and Charon can get business out of it, so nobody complains," he says, in an extremely complainey way. "It's become about a fifty-fifty chance of porn or fighting. People bet on it, you know, when they look at the matchups. I hate it, myself. I come here to see bloodshed, damn it! Black goo splattered across even the highest ring of bleachers, and shadeguts scattered across the tile!! But I'm just one washed-up old warrior, what do I know about what my paradise should look like."

"I- I'm sorry, Sir," Zagreus stammers, as if this is somehow his fault.

"This guy's right," the shade goes on, smacking Theseus' head. Theseus has not paid any attention to the shade's complaints, with his eyes firmly on the increasingly explicit goingson of the arena, but instantly pops up to agree that of course he's right. " _Don't_ get any ideas in your head. I lose about 2,000 gemstones should the three of you so much as hold hands out there."

"That's a lot of gemstones," Zag says automatically, thinking of how many he's recently spent on a sundial.

"Exactly. So keep it a good clean fight out there."

Theseus looks like he is going to have a totally original and witty retort if not for-

 _Theseus,_ a familiar voice narrates, _is stopped in his tracks by the fighters-turned-lovers on the field. They are like one, naked ghost in the sensual embrace of a fighter with arms left to embrace-_

"Old man?!" Zagreus asks, shocked. "You're _into_ this?"

_One such as you, with all the appendages and openings of a living human, can't understand the appeal. These lovers have no mouths, yet they kiss, no-_

"That's enough, mysterious voice." says Asterius.

_You don't know what it's like, being nothing more than a consciousness that can make noise._

"Can you SHUT UP," yells Theseus, who clearly has decided the Storyteller is Zagreus' friend and therefore sucks. "I'm TRYING to watch our good shades out on the field show us their loving warrior's bond!! I'm TRYING to be inspired by the very moment of how close two of the very best friends can b-"

The crowd cheers two names that Zagreus doesn't know. A crew of shades floats in with spectral mops (for spiritual spills and supernatural stains), and two recently respawned Exalted Shades collect their prizes and head out a side door, holding hands.

"I think you missed your best friend moment, mate." says Zag. "While you were talking."

"WELL! No matter, for I have a friend better than ANYONE'S, and our bond is a MILLION TIMES better than even those lovers before us!" Theseus booms. Asterius snorts and puts a hand over his. 

"It's our turn, king."

"SO IT IS! Prepare for defeat!"

"Thanks for saving me a seat, Asterius," Zagreus says, very pointedly ignoring Theseus. "I'll see you soon out there, Asterius. I can't wait to fight you, Asterius. I have the new gloves on that you helped me discover-"

"I would. NEVER help you-"

"- _Asterius_."

_And as the battle-ready prince and his rivals take the stage to fight once more, our story shifts its attention to a small betting table, and the schedule of fighters for the next week-or-two. Perhaps our story will start being about the champions' arena of Elysium, and the surface-loving prince can... do his own, less exciting, thing. Just for a bit. He'll understand._

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading. i just think its very funny if it was just like this. i hope those exalteds are having a great dayornight.


End file.
